Dear Blog,
its been 3 months since i updated you! and omg its been 12 hours since i last saw le bf who went to kl today without meeeeeee and this past 12 hours seems like more than 3 months, feels like forever. I'm so hopeless and needy i swear and i really don't know how I'm gonna survive when he goes to the army. i'll probably just rot and die. sigh.
we made a promise today that we will never bring up the topic on breaking up ever again. i have this horrible habit of saying things like, "if u walk away, we're over" kind of thing. and i know its terrible and how unjust of me and you'd feel like u wanna give me a slap. yeah, sometimes my mouth springs out of control when I'm mad. and when I'm angry, i feel as though i can live without him, (don't we all feel that way?) but now when he's away, and I'm having a race in singapore and my finals are tmr and he's not around to witness it, gaaah, I'm so sad, i swear! :(
get a life, aisyah. its only like 2 days, or 3, i don't know. now he tells me he'll be coming hm on monday, not sunday. :(
im so pathetic, i had to google, "how to miss someone less" I KNOW RIGHT.
okay, lets talk about other things in life.
1. work.
there are days when i had to wake up at 430am, there are days when i have to leave school at 930pm. there are days when I'm on leave and yet still come to school. ahhh, work.
i like my job. but it doesn't give me that kind of satisfaction i get when i row. i know i can't compare but i live by the motto, "i do what i love, i love what i do". i wouldn't say i love my job. i like it, and for me, thats good enough. like how the appraisal system works and when u get a C you shouldn't freak out because C is considered satisfactory and its a grade everyone gets normally. liking is already a strong word for me to use. i don't like jobs easily. so to be able to like my job and not get an mc like every week is good enough.
i still wish i am able to be a full-time paid athlete. an olympian. like officially a professional athlete.
why can't the govt see that? :(
2. rowing.
yea, been rowing without a coach. the asia cup is like happening now. thurs and friday were the heats and repercharges, i reluctantly rowed the single sculls and tomorrow is my final b. the pair is in final a tomorrow and nic hopes for us to medal. and of cuz even when he doesn't say it, we want to medal. sometimes i wonder what he's thinking, that old man. sigh. and my single sculls, oh god, i really don't know why i can't seem to friggin row fast on the singles. i was going at SR 30 just now and my pair could pick up till 35.
i love rowing. i really do.
i don't know if id change sport :(
i came across a quote today and it goes, "i honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate." fooh, strong words.
but a part of me says, stay. the other says go.
i can't decide.
i hate myself sometimes.
3. everything else?
hahaha. well work and rowing takes up like 98% of my life. and le bf probably about 100%. i know it doenst make mathematical sense but i don't care. almost went to bandung with mum but she's going to kl instead. :/
RACE TOMORROW I SHOULD BE SLEEPING.
i still cannot believe they got halimah yacob to grace the event. lets just see how it goes tomorrow.
"promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate."
:)
im getting this odd feeling inside of me. i feel like i just wanna burst into tears for no particular reason, or probably for many reasons but i just refuse to acknowledge them. i dont know if im under stressed or underperforming. theres no worf-rate monitor that i strap around my heart and brain to tell me whether im working too hard, or too little. im in this confused state of mind. and my body is feeling the same way too. im feeling many feelings and theyre all vying with each other to be the one i display, whether in appearance, or in behaviour. like this morning, i felt fresh and awake. i jumped out of bed, thanking God for letting me live another day in this world, grateful that I did not wake up late. then in the bus, i felt tired and omglyness sleepy. i didnt care if my mouth was wide open or if i was drooling as long as i have my sleep in the bus. now at work, i felt drained. theres a list of things that i have to do, whether its work-related, life-related or not related to anything at all. and this list is increasing by the day, by the hour. my little bleeps of happiness happen when i flash out my THICK RED MARKER and draw a line across the points in this list. but adding more points to the list > checking the points in the list and yet, im still here updating my blog amidst the stacks of paperwork i have to complete. i feel helpless. like a lifeless soul, travelling from home to work to training and back home. it feels like a routine. i dont like routine, except when routine develops me better. like rowing. i dont mind routine in rowing. it makes me faster, better, stronger. routine at work is just brain damaging. its supposed to develop me as a person, but i dont feel myself developing into a better being. if developing eye bags, migranes and developing hatred for routine work counts as development, then maybe its wrong for me to say that work doesnt develop me. work. theres like a million things to do at work, a gazillion things to know. i dont even know if my brain has this much capacity to store each and every single thing. i dont even know when it has reached its limit. or whether its limit has been reached 10 years ago without me realizing it. like i always remind myself, i like my job. but i love my sport. tough love. and this rowing thing, omg. omg. omg. things have gone from bad to worse. actually, things havent changed much. its not getting worse. it has just been like that. 10 years. and this will be the third time im going tru this cycle of BULLSHIT. it starts of with having a grp of athletes to train for a major games, whether the athletes win in competition or not, there will be no coach, and theres no solution to that (which is sad cuz theres at least 10 minds thinking together and not one can come out with a solution). and then theres the stage where the athletes voice out their opinion, and their opinion will always get stepped on and smashed like a potato. and finally, tired of being the antagonist, the athlete leaves and a new batch of athletes step in. and the cycle repeats. no growth, no development. only bullshit. im an expert in this theory, ive been tru it twice and going tru it currently for the third time now. you know what i feel like doing now? just take all my money, and go far far away, like to new zealand, or spain or the alps or nepal or something. somewhere noone can find me. i just wanna be away from all these bullshits in life. haiz. in less than a month, im gonna leave for korea, which i havent told my big boss about and i dont know if he'll allow me to go. im in deep shit i know. what to do, my life has been revolving around bull shit.
gaaah. the air con in the office is making my skin so dry i dont like it. :(
the first month of work has been crazy. no, workload wasnt heavy, not yet at least. i know im gonna be bogged down with work once the new semester starts, i can just feel it coming. but for now, ive been surfing the net, sometimes watching videos, going for walks around campus like a loner, exploring places in the school, life has been pretty much, empty. my colleagues are nice, for now. so whats crazy about january? the fact that i miss being a full time athlete? totally. the fact that work is taking precious trng time away from me? definitely. i know im such a loser. wheres my promise to focus on work and put aside trng? whats my priority now? its not easy letting go of something that was once part of your life for the longest time. yea, i know i can row once in a while, i dont have to like let go of it altogether, but im born to be an athlete, i cant row once in a while, im just not rigged to do so. i need to row every single day, pushing myself to the limits, improving every day until i reach my goal. thats what i was designed to do. my purpose of life. work is just a necessity, like rest. work is where i get my food and transport from. but i dont like it that work takes rowing away from me :( its making me a sad, stressed and always venting it out on nadzrie and we have been quarrelling oh so frequently its making both of us sad! ugh. sometimes, i dont know how he does it. he has been absolutely patient with me. especially since ive stopped rowing frequently and gym sessions just began, my body began to crumble. first the hammies which felt as though they were gonna tear, then my right ankle from the boat accident, then my knee started to sting when i row or squat, and very most recently, the left foot. which noone knows for sure what is wrong with it. which has been very annoying, really. i'd rather know whats wrong with it, be it a fracture or a really terrible situation then not knowing at all.its been 2 weeks and the swelling and pain is still lingering around. :( so i've made a little pinky finger promise to nadzrie, that i will not do anything else other than rowing (and sailing). no soccer, no netball, no no no. i'll try my best to avoid them at all costs. and then comes the bloco training which stretches up to 12am with work the next day at 730am. and then theres the sailing bit which is still giving me a ray of hope. oh and the most epic challenge God has thrown to me: April is the month i will be handling a project for work and it will also be the month of the Olympic Qualifiers which is a once every 4 years opportunity. its making me go mad which one to decide, work or rowing. but i guess whatever i decide to go with, i hope im more than prepared to face the consequences. insyaallah. so you see, its not work that i cant handle. its whatever else is happneing around me that i cant handle. i hate being sad :(
i was excited about work after my 3 long days of MC but when i came back, there was nothing to do. :( i mean, yes, normal people would rejoice at the thought of going to work and having nothing to do, but havent you found out already? im not normal. i hate slacking. i hate having nothing to do. graaar. i know the workload's gonna be really heavy come april. but i just found out that the asian rowing training camp starts on the EXACT SAME DAY as the first day of school for poly students in april. how nice. isnt my life great? why did i end up getting a job in which its busy days clashes with the rowing season. smart. really smart. and right now, i REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO. and i would really love to go to my boss or my colleagues and ask for something to do, but im not mad. i may be smart, but not crazy. yes, minus initiative points. maybe i'll give it a try tmr. should i? okay, so whats this about my 3 days MC? on sunday, i had a terrible accident. it wasnt major, it was just a jump, like seriously, it was a SIMPLE jump in which i need to bend my knees and transfer the potential energy to kinetic energy and gravitational potential energy...ya, like that. and when i was about to land, my left foot decided to give way. like it just snapped like a twig. i heard a few cracks, which was what scared the coconuts out of me. and i fell. i was sitting there like a mermaid, just trying not to move, trying not to cry. i was like, dont cry dont cry. then the pain started to seep insidiously. im gonna cry im gonna cry. and i realized i said it out loud when the others around me said, dont cry dont cry. hahahah! i didnt cry. they brought me over to the nearest bench, iced it and that was it. it was swollen throughout the whole day i thought something was broken. the first thing that feared me was, WHAT IF I COULDNT TRAIN FOR WEEKS? :( Nadz's parents sent me to the hospital to get it checked cuz it was utterly painful. found out there were no OBVIOUS fractures. Alhamdullilah. might be some swelling of the soft tissues around the foot. had 3 days MC for that and was bored to death at home. GAAAAH. on tuesday, i went to see cormac and he figured it was a bruised bone with some strains on the ligaments which wasnt good, neither was it bad news. its still bruised now, and it hurts a little when i walk, but im a strong girl. i'll do just fine. :) now let me find something else to do. bye!
Today I learnt that no matter how many friends you have, or how many siblings you live with or how many pair of parents raise me up, sometimes you have to learn to live alone. Not everyone will be there for you. Not everyone will have time for you. The doctors can help you, your friends can send you words of encouragement, your parents can advice you, but in the end, to wake up at 630am and to leave your house at 730am only to painstakingly walk to your desired destination in 2hours when usually it'll take you an hr and 15mins, only you are able to do that, noone else. So if you wake up feeling awful, wishing you could get back to sleep, feeling hungry and tired, be grateful you don't have to limp around, be thankful you can go to school or work with ease, no matter how long it takes you. Be grateful for all you have because you'll never know what might happen to you and when.
i didnt expect to have a part 2 but as i was drawing up my new timetable to divide my time properly, i remembed another major problem i have:
Major Problem 4. Clients. I cant let go of my clients. I am indebted to them to help them achieve their fitness goals. I enjoy trng them :(
And I have another major problem that irks me so bad right now. In rowing, there are some people who just say as they like. Some people who think that we get things easy.
#01: we whine and complain but when it comes to games day, no matter how sick we were and irresponsible as some might say, which is definitely a lesson to learn, we won a medal. i won two. AND OMG IF THERE WAS A COUNTER WHICH SHOWED US HOW MANY TIMES WE COMPLAINED AND HOW MANY TIMES SOME PEOPLE COMPLAINED WE WILL DEFINITELY LOSE HANDS DOWN. gawd.
#02: we are not spoon fed, my goodness. spoonfeeding is a word some people use in excess and totally out of context. spoonfeeding means to overindulge or spoil. hmmm. let me think. which part of making us train at 7am every morning and most of the time having 2 trngs a day and the fact that we didnt miss a single training last year anywhere closer to being spoonfed? maybe having a mean of transportation to training and out of there is a luxury but that is simply because some people refuse to be friends with us therefore does not usually get the opportunity to hitch a ride with us! furthermore, anyone can sleepover at the trng cntr so one doesnt have to travel early in the morning to train.
#03: some people are not able to row right now because its their choice. as much as i dont think its a luxury to be able to join a club so that i can row, im grateful my ego is not that big and the owner of the club is pretty much okay with me rowing in his club. sometimes, somethings gotta give. its not our fault some people dont get to row with us! who told them to be so...(i cant find the perfect word to put here) awful is a too kind word.
#04: all that i know now is that im going to the qualifiers (insyaallah), i get to row, i get to gym at SSC, and some people are not!
That phrase reminds me of a project I intended to start last January which made me sign up as a trainer at the People's Association so I can hold sports and wellness classes at community centres. So much for talking but no action. Well, I did became a PA trainer, but I havent conducted any classes. :(
This year, I want to make sure I do one thing I havent got the chance to do last year. TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Im tired of sitting around, complaining, and having plans to do this and that and everything else but in the end nothing comes out of it. cheap talk. im tired of all that shit. so if theres one more thing i would like to add to my new year resolution, that is to get things done.
I must be awesome at my job. Yes. My job! Work hasnt been hectic, YET. I know its gonna pick up speed like madness because I see my colleagues do their stuff and im like WHOA, im gonna die. my job entails of being advisors to sports clubs, conducting sports and wellness classes, sitting at my desk settling paper work (AND CRAZY LOADS OF IT) and more. but the fun part is the sporty culture that my dept adopts whereby they would play sports together every fortnight. last week we played captains ball and it was crazy competitive but fun. I wanna be awesome at my job. I wanna make a difference to people's lives, the school, the kids. But I have a major problem that is worrying the shit out of me right now. To think about it its not a major problem, its SOME major problems.
Major Problems:
1. Rowing. My trainings have been infrequent these days. I feel weak and slow on the boat. We still have to use the club boats which suck. I miss feeling light and strong and fast when Im rowing but my performance level has definitely dropped to ZERO after the SEA Games. This year, the association's gonna send me for the Asian Olympic Qualifiers which is definitely a huge thing! to qualify I have to be top 6 in Asia which isnt within my reach at the moment. i have to be honest with myself. i havent been trng intensively, my knee and ankle have been causing me so much pain. im not at my peak. but i have to remind myself, this year is the year i MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. i am gonna do whatever it takes to be at my best for the qualifiers. even if it means having to train at 430am. Actually, i wanted to ease off training a little this year because i wanted to really focus on my job and do really well in it. but when i dont row, i feel that my life isnt fulfilled. i feel something amiss. so, here i am, declaring that i will never ever give up rowing for anything. if possible, i will be awesome at both rowing and my job. i will work something out somehow. impossible is nothing, right? Thankfully, my boss is understanding. He's an athlete too. We'll see how things go from here. Insyaallah it will all go fine. :)
2. Sailing If you dont know yet, I have been sailing with the national team. Okay it might only be 2 trainings but my goodness that sport is tough shit. Not as tough as rowing but it requires a totally different set of skills. My partner spotted me at SSC when I was gymming and she needed a partner to train with for the 2016 Olympics. my goal. On the first day of sailing, I fell into the water and hit my hip on the boat while it was going at full speed. I have a huge bruise which still hasnt faded away completely. And it has already been a month. Second training, I got better. But theres so many bruises on my shins. Sailing was fun and I think the chances of me getting into Olympics through sailing is better than rowing but NSC is bloody far, my God. and they train in the afternoons when the winds are the strongest. Which is definitely not a rower's life because by afternoon, we would be done wiht training and its our rest period. So its definitely a totally different sport and I want to go all out for it to be really good in it. That why, its Major Problem #02. What if it comes to a point where I have to choose between rowing and sailing? I'll just die.
3. Bloco It has always been in my TO-DO list: to learn a new instrument. And my chance is here. Nadz's sister has asked me if I wanted to play with Bloco and I really want but their trainings are FAR and at night, which is usually either my training period or mush needed rest period. but i really dont wanna miss this chance to learn, for free. and Bloco's really awesome. sigh.
there's too much going on is there? somethings gonna change. it must be rearranged, oh.
hahaha!
okay, on a serious note. theres too little time in a day to fulfill all my dreams and desires. and i cant be awesome at everything. or can i? ;0
ridiculous. sigh. this is hard. i wish they'd just pay me to row. then i dont have to worry about anything at all. :(
Did my 2k ergo time trial today and died. I swear the ergo sucks the life out of you. I finished the test feeling like a helpless shark whos fin has been cut off and then Im dumped back into the water to sink to the bottom of the sea. Here's the thing. I know I could meet the timing. I am strong and powerful enough to hit the target. But today just wasnt the day. Yes blame the day. Blame the ankle which tightened up chokin my whole foot. Blame the knee which throbbed in pain when i exert so much force on it. Blame the bruise on my bum which I got from sailing. Yes, sailing. Blame my heart for not pumping fast enough to transport sufficient blood to my legs and arms. Blame my mind for being so weak I might as well not sit for the erg and stay at home. seriously. it was a failure from all angles, right from the start. I wasnt prepared. I didnt go through my head what I wanted to do. I wasnt at my best form. I went sailing on thursday, ran on friday. erg on sat. not good. There you go. I cried like a dork after I completed my first trial. First, you say? yes. Because I thought I would be able to pull better, harder, stronger on a second attempt. And noone in the right mind would sit for 2 2k ergs in a day. But I did. because i thought i could. but obviously, without much rest, without any preparation, i couldnt. the timing was so horrendous it doesnt deserve to be posted here. BOTH TIMINGS. oh God please have mercy on me. ruined. my. saturday. thats what ergs do. thats what losers would say. yeah, im a loser. for today.
felt like even more of a total loser when i told my sailing friend i couldnt sail because i was on the verge of sweating out lethargy. i was like a dead fish. made my bf angry for something he totally didnt do. stomped home alone, (more like dragged my feet home) only to be greeted by noone at home. slept like a pig. feeling like shit because i hate afternoon naps they make me feel like ive wasted my day and oh man the grogginess. oh erg, you really did killed me.
yes so whats up with this sailing thing?
been wanting to try out sailing for a few months now but only started to get on the boat on thursday. which turned out to be pretty exciting. i was actually on a 470. and sailing it. and doing the trapeze thing which looked like this:
yeah, my body was actually parallel to the water. and the sea water splashing on my face like its the most fun thing to be happening. really, exhilirating. and damn tiring. im so weak. omg. whats up with my fitness? and hello? qualifications in april. are u kidding me? time to pull up my socks, man. this is bad. what happened to the new year resolution of being at my fittest ever. gaah, im such a loser.
and yes, stop calling yourself that before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
im so sad and tired. and i start work on monday. im excited, but but but (i know, WHY IS THERE A BUT!) looking at how my trainings (both rowing and sailing) would be affected because i'll be working full-time, im not really that excited. BUT yes, lets put training aside for a bit. maybe a week or two. focus on my work, and slowly start fitting trainings into my schedule. hows that? i mean, i cant live my life just complaining and not think of ways how to make things easier right? i think.
there you go. im all better now. despite the swollen eyes from my 100 yrs of crying after the erg testSSSS and dead tired body, i have to pick myself back up again. ergos can ruin my day, but hell no can they ruin my life.
and for that i would like to extent my utmost appreciation to my bf, nadzrie hyckell, for sitting down with my after my erg test telling me to stop crying, get a hold of myself and pick myself back up although at that point of time i was wailing like an ass and being so stubborn i didnt want to lift my ass off the ground for like what seemed like hours. so thank you, sayang, for being so patient with my nonsense.
so this year will be a whole lot of WORK (yes, it comes first), rowing and sailing (both with equal priorities) i dont know how im gonna achieve that but nothing is impossible, right?
right.
this entry is full of bull, shit and nonsense. bye.
